Liar liar pants on fire!

liar

So I met a guy online and I didn’t really like his name……Tony. Just didn’t ever imagine myself with a ‘Tony’. Sounds stupid I know but I have to like the name……..

The night of the date arrived and it was going really well! Tony was good looking, engaging and really funny, he had me in stitches.

Drinks turned into dinner, and then icecream after.

The conversation was flowing……I said, so tell me, is Tony short for Antony? I was thinking how I could make the name more acceptable.

There was total silence from Tony. His face went as white as a sheet and he starts stumbling, ohhh I have something to tell you. He looked stricken.

My name isn’t really Tony……its Matthew. I gave you the wrong name.

My reaction was, oh thank fuck for that I HATE the name Tony…..

and then, um why did you lie about your name?!! That’s really weird.

Oh there are heaps of stalkers out there he said…….errrrr ok…..

And he lied about his age. 3 times.

Seriously, what is the point in that?! Honesty in relationships is so important and if you are going to lie from the get go, then what hope do you have for the future?!

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ADD……Another dating disaster!

 

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Another online date….profile was interesting, a good array of ‘action’ shot type photos, the standard photo at someone’s wedding and a very good looking profile pic. He looked like a cheeky chappie and I was right….

He asked me for my number straight off and called me to arrange a date. The day before our date he calls me on my mobile whilst I was at work to boast about selling a yacht……he’s in the boating industry.

Firstly I thought, err ok why are you telling me this and secondly I’m at work! It all seemed overly familiar and like he was trying to blow his own trumpet. He said that we would have lots to celebrate when we met the next night.

We meet at a wine bar for a couple of drinks. There was more boasting about his success with the sale of the yacht…..yawn. I’m all for people having success in their lives but conversation is a two way street! I actually counted there was a time span of 15 minutes I was completely mute as he was talking non stop about himself.

I suggested we order some food as a) I was hungry and b) I thought it might shut him up for a bit…….

The bill arrives and he says ‘wow this is expensive for what we had’ two starters and 6 drinks for $100? I thought it seemed fairly reasonable and considering how much talk there was of his work success and how much money he made,  I thought that it wouldn’t have been too much for him to contend with.

He asked me whether I was going to contribute to the bill and then promptly said, actually you don’t have to if you don’t want to so I said, ok I won’t then! He looked a bit taken aback and said I can pay ‘the next time’.

I thought that was terribly presumptuous and wasn’t sure if my ears were up to another date of him harping on about himself. I jokingly said that he was getting a bit ahead of himself and that I’d let him know. That joke went down like a lead balloon.

We went outside and it was pouring with rain. I didn’t have an umbrella with me and my house was a good 2o minutes walk down the street. He was parked in front of the bar. He promptly said bye and see you around. No offer of a ride home in the rain for me…….

What a gentleman!

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Till death do us part…….

dead

This gem of a story has been submitted to us from one of our readers – thank you so much! Keep em coming!

I want to share one of my more ‘interesting’ dating experiences that actually happened – I met a guy in town who seemed nice, he was a ‘friend of a friend’ so I agreed to go out on a date with him. The day he arrived to pick me up, I walk out of my front door to be met with a blue van. Nothing too strange, up until I had to move rubber gloves and toe tags to be able to sit comfortably on the seat. I look at my date rather inquisitively, expecting an explanation to which he says “yeah….. There was a dead body in the back of this today….” – he was a funeral director and not a mass murderer, but it still freaked me out!!!

OHEMGEE! What a doozy!! That is most certainly a date to remember!!

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Desperado…….why don’t you stop with the texting

overtexting

During my various on and off forays into online dating I’ve encountered some real gems….

I think its good to have a bit of texting banter before you meet……it can give you a really good insight as to how a person ticks. And the more you text, the more you can find out whether a person is being themselves and spot when weird behaviours start surfacing.

If you’re anything like me and is prone to a few vinos of an evening, texting virtual strangers isn’t really a good idea…..not only are your boundaries non existent but any oddities in the other persons character seem perfectly normal at the time  and you end getting a teeny bit carried away with the banter and then in the cold light of sober day you think, fark what have I been saying?!

I was receiving regular emails one day from a particular chap who was very friendly, VERY keen from the get go, but also very cute. We swapped numbers and all of a sudden I’m being bombarded with texts that evening. The banter was flowing and I vaguely remember agreeing to meet up for lunch the following day. The straw that broke the camels back for me was receiving a text from him the following morning at 5.45am. The buzzing noise of my phone jolted me out of my hungover slumber and my bleary eyes read ‘good morning gorgeous girl! just on my way to work xxxxx’.

Fan-effing-tastic. That was certainly worth being woken up for at some ungodly hour! Seriously I wasn’t interested if he was going to work, and certainly not at 5.45am! I’m not a morning person, and especially a morning person with a twinge of hangover. Not impressed. I didn’t respond to the message and then all throughout the morning was receiving a blow by blow commentary of his meetings, getting coffee, what ‘we’ were going to do over the weekend and in the future……we hadn’t met up for the lunch date by this stage! Fark, this guy was full on. I felt like I had been fastforwarded to girlfriend status in less than 24 hours! Now I’m all for someone showing interest but this was way too over the top.

I’m generally prone to bolting when someone acts like this, get the jogging shoes on and run as fast as Forrest Gump…..

Thankfully that day it was pouring with rain and I used that excuse to cancel our lunch date…….

As Milli Vanilli would say ‘Blame it on the Rain’………

After about a week of no response to his messages, he got the hint.

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Does he have a personality disorder or is it the lobotomy?

pig

So my friend sent this story to me as she wanted to share with y’all……

 

I’d been playing the numbers game on an Internet dating site.

A guy who was four years younger than me sent me a smile

Warning sign #1 – men seldom pursue a women older than themselves unless they’re looking for an education ;)

I read his profile which contained references to art, culture and music and spoke about one of the things he was most grateful for in life as his ability to tell a B flat from an F sharp. Hmmmm that might be nice but one of the top three things you’re grateful for?

Warning sign #2 – this guy is trying hard to be something he is not

We start talking on the phone and texting before we meet, we talk about where we live and our background. He won’t tell me what nationality he is because it will give the wrong impression (refer Warning sign #2) I tell him I know what he is and guess it in one. He’s shocked. It really wasn’t that hard especially given where he lived and the way he spoke.

The next day he’s going for a job interview and sends me a selfie of his naff shirt and tie:”employable or very employable” after the interview
“it’s only a very short matter of time before I work for that company”

Warning sign #3 – cocky? Not much

We agree to go on a date, I’m trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Did I mention before that I have had the part of my brain that discerns good men from total drop kicks removed?

We agree to meet at a pub about a 20 minute walk from my home. I leave the house and the weather is fine. Five minutes into the walk and it starts bucketing down, I mean really raining, so much that the street is flooding. I text him to say it’s pouring and I’m getting soaked I’m going to take shelter until it passes.
Him: “ha, ha”
Me: “thanks for the sympathy”
Him: “anytime”
Me: “nice”

Warning sign #4 – pig

By this stage I am furious but curious so I decide, instead of going home, I’m gonna find out exactly how much of a tool this guy is.

Boy do I find out:

I finally get to the pub meet him and say “sorry, I look like a shaggy dog”
He says “yes you do!” (Refer warning sign #4)

His opening line of conversation was “you’ll be pleased to know that I didn’t get that job”
Why would I be pleased about that?

Warning sign #5 – no emotional intelligence

Secretly I do find it funny given warning sign #3 :p

He decides he’s hungry, when the waitress comes he orders for us without asking me what I might like.  (Refer warning sign #4 – again)

His second chosen topic of conversation is how he prefers to wet shave. Apparently this is a far superior option to a plastic razor and much more manly. He tells me about the pattern of hair on his face and how he has to do three sweeps of his ultra manly razor in a special sequence to get the closest shave possible. Snorgasm……
(Refer warning sign #5)

Actually this kind of intrigues me because in the aforementioned naff shirt and tie pic he looks like he’s got a 5 o’clock shadow already. I mention that, it’s not appreciated ;)

Warning sign #6 – no sense of humour

The dinner is over, I’ve just embarked on my second glass of wine, he asks me about cycling and what kind of bike I have. I know he’s not into cycling so I try to keep it simple I say I have a mountain bike and also a road bike and am explaining it in simple terms he looks at me and says “you have no idea what kind of bike you have do you?”

WTF you cocky pr*ck?

“I know exactly what kind of bike I have”. I go on to tell him about the frame the wheels and the group set in the most technical terms I can muster, I then ask him if he had any idea what I was talking about. No? I didn’t think so.

I pick up my glass, skull my wine and announce that it’s time for me to leave. I pick up my wet coat and scarf and start to go, he gets up and follows me out. We walk out the door of the pub and he says “oh here’s my car.”

Oh, what, the car you didn’t offer to come and rescue me from the pouring rain in? That was sitting right out front, the whole time?

I’m walking down the street by this, he asks me if I want a lift, I say “no, I’m happy to walk” and leave. Swiftly.

Three days later I get a text:
“It was really good to meet you the other night. I’m sure you felt it too, we have a great connection but not enough to make a romantic relationship. I would really like to be friends though because you are exactly the kind of people I like to surround myself with. Want to catch up again next week?”

OMG one of us is definitely not the full quid!

I’m booked in to see my neurosurgeon to have that part of my brain removed that tells me I need a man in my life!

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First & Last date….

first_date

So I arrived in a new city and thought what better way than to see the sights than with a local? So I signed up to RSVP and hit it off instantly with one particular chap. The banter was excellent, I could almost feel steam coming off my fingers from typing the messages to him on instant messenger. He suggested a date later in the week and I gladly accepted.

Date night arrives and I was full of excitement and feeling like a giddy teenager. The banter had been continuing via text leading up to the date and I was expecting to have a really fun night. The wine was flowing but the conversation wasn’t. Where was this hilarious guy that I had been chatting with so animatedly? It was literally like getting blood out of a stone trying to get the conversation going. We both knew it was flailing miserably so what was the solution? Wine…..and a lot of it. After the second bottle the banter was back and he got even better looking :-)

A cheeky snog outside the front of the restaurant ended back at mine doing the business…..now I don’t normally pull out all the stops on the first date but I was plastered and it had been awhile. I woke up in the morning and what did I see next to me? A large brown smudge on my brand new Egyptian cotton 300 count sheets. My date had left me with a parting gift…….a skid mark! Blimey! The verbal diarrhea that I was loving on our online chats was not what I was expecting on my sheets. Needless to say, I didn’t see him again. I still laugh about this, and even more so as his surname is Brown! Seriously if your date is too lazy to wipe his own ass what hope does that hold for the future?!!

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